guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
