Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
