I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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