He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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