New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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