Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
