my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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