Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
