In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
