apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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