update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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