i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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