No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
