I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
