gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
