I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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