I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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