Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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