She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
