her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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