I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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