I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
