I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
