Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My liver just had a heart attack.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
