how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
