I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
