im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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