we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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