Don't make out with my wife yet
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
