Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
