So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
