when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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