I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You dont lie about slip and slides
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
