I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
