I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
