i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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