Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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