I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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