I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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