WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
