When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
