for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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