just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
