I cannot find my penis.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
