I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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