I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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