I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's always time for handjobs
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
