...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
