the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
