Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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