you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
