Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
