Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
