He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My penis needs a shock collar
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
