i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
