So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
